Emily Hanhan won the Chile Chocolate Takedown at the Brooklyn Botanic Gardens. Here is the true story of how!!
The legend of Emily Hanhan: One day, 6 wandering paladins betook upon themselves an incredible journey with one terrible goal: to defeat the mighty 3-headed Ventimazualicon, a venomous upper-worldly cousin of the dreaded Cerberus, guard of the netherworld!!! In hard core combat!!! There was Greg Erskine, a kilted warrior and enemy of all foes! There was Melissa Sands, a sorceress of great power who could summon earth, wind and ocean as weapons to massacre whole villages of their lives in the blink of an eye of a whirlwind!!! There was Adrian Ashby, a time traveler!!! and uncompromising killer of men and beast and whatever else. And there was Jenn de la Vega, who, though of slight stature, had the strength of 50- her favorite weapon is always the spine of the first person she slays, with which she wields in bloody battle to defeat the rest of the enemies. The Brooklynauts– a pack of filthy, hyper-violent werewolves, stripped of their humanity but possessing only a lust for pungeant (sp?) battle of the souls of the doomed apocalypse!!! And then there was Emily Hanhan– a princess. What was she doing here amongst warriors most strong???! Swift and silent… no one among this motley crew of champions could yet deduce her skills, or even her motives behind this dangerous, wondrous voyage… Together, they travelled!!!! READ ON…
For days they travelled some more until they came upon the mountain. They gazed up at its stoney hellish crags and there at the top, saw their prey… Ventimazualicon!!!! He sat on a bed made of only human skulls!!! All 3 heads glowered at this arrival of new meat and it was hungry! Most hungry… The warriors looked up, and then at each other. They knew what they must do for sure…
Each seperately, they took their turn up the mountain most vicious – to attempt the death of this murderous monster most foul! Melissa Sands pounded up the slopes, summoning her magic winds of magic to carry her all the way. But Ventimazualicon waited coolly, and as she got close- he maneuvered around her and extended his middle head, wrapped around her like as a snake! and evicerated her with his razor teeth. She bled into the dismal earth, her guts spilling everywhere!
Then came the fearsome time traveler Adrian Ashby. His hope? to travel back in time and strangle the monster in its monster cradle! He would have succeeded, to be sure, but the mechanism on his time travelling aperatus short-circuited, and he became lost! Lost in the terifying night of a thousand ancient suns! Alas!!! He was no more… Then came Jenn de la Vega, with no weapons in hand, only a grim determination. She couldn’t wait to dig her fist deep into the eyeball of this strange beast. Her next move would be a bloody improvisation, involving torture and pain!!!! Alas! She totally tripped badly as she approached, and fell down hard before her martial art skills could unleash- and Ventimazualicon pounced upon her and gobbled her whole. The 3 headed dog howled, and spat forth a geiser of Jen de la Vega blood upon the land! Greg Erskine was next. He had defeated beasts like this before, and was confident of success. Perhaps probably too confident, indeed! Upon summitting, he opened his mouth to bellow a challenge to the beast- but his head fell off! Indeed, he had not accounted for the whip-like razor tail action of the beast, and his head bounced down the mountain, his mouth still absurdly trying to form a challenging cry that would never come! And his body started dancing around, all flailing, like when a chicken runs around with its head off- the exact same thing was happening to Greg’s body! And then! As if heeding an unholy signal from hell itself, the Brooklynauts yelped and screamed up the mountain, there turn at last!!!! They need not have bothered. Ventimazualicon is the master of werewolves, and sent a telepathic signal into their hearts, that turned each one from bloodthirsty lycanthropes to mewling puppies before this demon’s 6 eyes. In moments, all that was left of the Brooklynauts was a river of blood and fur most horrible! Who was left???? Oh yes…
Emily Hanhan. She walked up the hill. Would there were witnesses, they would have seen her pitch back her head and laugh! Yes laugh!! Hideously!!! as she passed the torn and mangled bodies of her once bold comrades. She knew that this would come to pass- that she would be the SOLE HOPE OF EARTH and her laugh became a sinister chuckle when finally she stood before the beast. It was her turn.
Ventimazualicon blinked, and then all three heads barked hungrily. They would enjoy this final feast!!! Or so they thought! Emily Hanhan sneered wisely, and held her hand up, up towards the heavens. And the heavens answered. The bearded head of Zeus himself!!! revealed himself from behind a bunch of clouds. Somberly- nay, with much reverence!- did Zeus reach down and gently hand over The Probaculousifier- the Sword of Fire of the Gods of the Galaxy! For Zeus knew- knew – that Emily Hanhan was the chosen mortal, the Best of all of the human beings!
Emily thanked Zeus, and played casually with the sword, bouncing it from hand to hand, feeling its weight, even as fire and lasers shot from its silvery blade… She laughed again! Loud and long! And then she leapt, and in one motion, plunged the electric weapon into the heads of all three dog heads, at the same time! Then, sawing methodically downward she split the monster open. With a knowing smile, she produced a hand grenade from her pouch of supplies, and ripped the pin from whence it nestled. She tossed the grenade into the butterflied beast, turned, and walked down the mountain. Though she never looked back, the explosion of this beast most foul was massive! Blubber, blood and dog organs rained around her in a rain of blood!!! Emily Hanhan smiled knowingly, and her eyes glinted, because she yearned for a next battle of all greatness to happen!!!! This mission was over. But there would be more…
