The Takedown

I just got into it with a Trader Joe’s guy, who wondered why I was cooking with the Charles Shaw $3 wine, when for a couple bucks more I could buy something better to put in the food. Man, this guy…  It’s been said before, don’t cook with wine you wouldn’t drink. But I will pretty much drink anything. And the Trader Joe’s stuff really isn’t that bad! If you have a wine with subtle and amusing hints of blahblahblah, why would you pour it into a chili? You’ll pretty much miss out on the bouquet as soon as garlic gets involved. I’m not wrong! Different wines make food taste different, but you won’t be bummed EVER by cooking with one of their cheapo wines. Also, wouldn’t you cook with wine more often if it was only $3? I am always right.

The brilliant event poster by matt langland.  Let’s burn rubber, takedowners…

I gave a brilliant interview for Flavorpill! Check it!!!

I’ve always had a majorly big crush on El Yucateco XXX, the hottest of their line. The adult rating might lead one to believe it is a head crusher, for novelty use only. But it’s really not that bad, and has the best flavor of any hot sauce I know. Brilliant on a sandwich or in soup or whatevs. Hands down my favorite hot sauce of all time.

I’ve tried some crazy hot sauces that have the power to destroy. I was on a film set and the Craft Services lady ruined my entire day with just a dab of Black Widow. I don’t see the point of those painful excercises, I don’t have anyone to impress. Actually, that’s not entirely true. Impressing people is kind of my thing. In fact, I won a hot sauce eating contest at Duff’s Bar last year,because I rule. The organizer was offering up hot wings in order of their hotness. After I manfully finished the last of his series of wings, he gave me a toothpick dipped in a vial he had in his shirt pocket. I sucked on the thing and my head popped off. I busted out an involuntary jig, and it took a half hour for me to smile again. Wow that was very hot indeed!

This won’t be a shocker. It’s just that I got sick of looking at the ICS banner from the earllier post. So I thought, hey why not blow your minds with a Matt Timms Op Piece, that covers much-covered territory- the NYC burger. I’ve had them all, from Shake Shack to Donovan’s, and the only one in town worth eating is at the Parker Meridian Hotel, behind the curtain near the concierge.  Fries not so great. Well… I’ve said it. That’s pretty much all there is to say- if you say too much about a burger, you got a serious problem.  I mean come on people- it’s not chili.

This is the mother of all chili parties., my arch nemesis, the International Chili Society !!!! I was a member in 2007, and judged a qualifier in NJ. Needless to say, those chili chefs are deadly serious, and out for blood. They make brilliant chili, and use matching costumes and megaphones to prove it. Their Superbowl is in Las Vegas. You have to attend at least one ICS event in your life, because wow.

Of course, the ICS goes against the ethos of the Chili Takedown. Competition chili insists on no beans. Spiced ingredients should be rendered invisible. A perfectly textured chili is proven by a spoon that stands straight up in the cup, then falls slowly to the side. And a ton of unofficial aesthetic principles that purists embrace. At the Takedown, we embrace chaos.

Here at the Takedown, your mediocrity is encouraged, as are all your bad ideas. We want to see originality and experiments. We want to see ingredients you’d least expect – canned peaches, cream cheese, a log of wood. We won’t shy away when you accidentally pour a bottle of bourbon in your chili- we will run to you. You can make a beef, pork, fish, veggie chili, we seriously don’t care.

The only rule at the Takedown is, it better taste good. That’s kind of important. So remember dudes, the next Chili Takedown is Feb 8th. See you there…

Painful to the touch. 1.6 million on the Scolville scale. Terrifying. Pepper spray is 2 million on the Scolville. The Dorcet Naga is the hottest pepper available, and it isn’t. At least not here in the Land of the Sort-Of Free. Designed by a mad scientist in Britain named Michael Michaud, he was able to sell this to Tesco- the Euro Walmart. And it flew off the stinkin shelves all over the UK!  Who knew the Brits liked it that hot! Apparently, they like it a lot hotter than we do in the States. I for one am totally ashamed.  I thought we were cool. But I guess we aren’t because  we can’t get a god damn stupid Dorset Naga.

The Economist talks all about it. Read more here.

Yeah, I read the Economist. What?

Nora Sherman brought her squad, and entered a brilliant batch of chili to a 2008 chili takedown. Then she made a brilliant movie about it. This is so cinema verite, I can’t stand it. I don’t want you guys to miss this brilliant documentary, that captures so beautifully what it is to be a chili professional.


.

The Chili Takedown supports local business! Brooklyn Fox in Williamsburg! The brilliant and beautiful Lexi is the brains behind this operation- come on down and witness all the erotic stuff! Much like chili, lingerie has the power to seduce and destroy the senses. As a favor, I have lent my name to my favorite item down there, the “Carol Maloney Barely There Corset”, heretofore renamed “The Chili Takedown Dirty Little Number“.

AND CHECK THIS OUT: Chili Takedown readers are offered10% off any super sexed-up purchase! So head on down to Brooklyn Fox! To obtain this special offer, lean across the counter and whisper to Lexi in a hoarse voice the SECRET PASSWORDS: “The Chili Takedown is Super Naughty“. You’re sure to get more than you bargained for!*

*oh and this is a real offer!

Handsome Matt Timms, The Takedown Chief, also does other events and wants to make sure you know about any stuff else he runs that you might be missing!

Just so everybody is clear, Matt Timms ALSO runs the funnest, most sickest, dare I say FUNNEST again, TRIVIA NIGHT! Me and Matt Langland host!!!  The first Tuesday of every month!! Over at The Soft Spot Bar in Brooklyn !!!!!  Past triumphs: In a SOUND ROUND we once played “We Are the World” in its entirety. You read along with the lyric sheet, and filled in the singer of each line! In another famously tough trivia round, we played a song- you were asked to name the song, the artist, and the dance that Matt and Matt were performing. “Brilliant” “Innovative” “Wicked Awesome” – we’ve heard compliments just like this all the time down at the Soft Spot. Come join us. And you know what else is a smart idea? Make sure to email Matt Timms to get on that email list and find out about all the fun you might be missing!!! mtimms7 at hotmail !!!!